I'm dying,
Not the words I thought I'd find myself typing here but it's the candid reality of where things are right now - my truth.
In short aren't we all, dying - just some of us are quicker than others with the journey we have in our meat suits. This is where I am, far quicker than I had hoped.
I'm on day 5 of ICU and in palliative care, as we speak, since my last ICU admission only a few weeks back I have had brand new thoracic nodular growths, mitrial value wall thickening in the heart where my heart beats irregularly, creating a leakage in my heat with blood flow, causing oxygenation to my body difficult - not to mention the irreversible scarring on my lungs, bilaterally with necrosing markings with bilateral plugging and lung collapse.
When the radiologist's report only days ago stated it's not good imaging results for my disease progress you have to take note of the stark reality. No false positivity, no deep dark depression - just facks that time is precious and that i need that lung transplant asap.
When my admitting doctor said to me that this was so serious they could not guarantee I would survive many more admissions like this one in such poor condition, plans changed and life took new unexpected shifts,
Let go and love god and allow god to cocreate a path of the brightest healing light for me to keep gracing this earthly plane. A dear soul sister only a week ago mentioned the way she saw me in Kauai next summer shining brighter than the sun itself. I'm holding onto that vision of tranquility and purity.
Five days ago I arrived at the hospital with an oxygen saturation of 80% which is dangerously low, organ failure low...they were able to bring my saturation up to 89% on 8 liters of oxygen. On a machine known as Bi-pap to help elevate my lungs through forced air compression. At one point a couple of nights ago the nurses at the nurse's station could hear my breathing so loudly because that's how labored my breathing is. Inhalation an exhlation.
Slowly still on high oxygen, I have stayed on room air of 91—a big improvement. I have been retaining C02 which is dangerous for anyone especially someone like me. It basically means the body can't expel the toxins it inhales with each inhalation.
I am having a lot of lung pain on the left side where most of the lung scaring, collapse, and necrosis are occurring with nodular plugs whilst having trouble keeping food down, which is implicated by heart complications. I have now started to lose blood through the bowels. The lung implications are not limited to only the left lung, but the left lung has deteriorated significantly the most rapidly.
I thought I would take some time to explain what I have is incurable and a lung transplant is MY ONLY HOPE. Whilst I am here in Canada, I have had a few comments from folks all over the world saying why don't I just go back to Australia. I get the curiosity, but also it comes with insensitivity and I wanted to set the record straight to stop the whispers of uneducated opinions or projections.
First of all, I am not medically fit to fly and could die mid-flight with cabin pressure changes as to how fragile my condition is. Which is one of many reasons I cannot fly back to Australia. Yes, Health care in Australia is a universal system like Canada so much of it is free not like in the USA. But that doesn't help a dying person like myself without the critical care needed urgently like I do now. I ask that common sense prevails in asking me questions that relate to my situation as it's taxing enough to navigate this without folks projecting biased opinions uneducated about the health system, my terminal disease, and my current situation.
I have a son who is my top priority and I am deeply thankful for the loving friendships that have stood the testament of time loving me as I am, in rawness, unadulterated swearing, and also not allowing me to have a pity party as that serves no one - especially me.
To my dearest close friends who have unwaveringly supported me where they can, thank you. To my dearest Roxanne the love of a sister I never had in blood, a bond of a soul that loves all enduringly you are the grace in which my heart has needed to feel the love of the feminine in untold ways.
I have raised my son to be an incredible human being and I could not be prouder of the man he has become and continues to choose to become. His past is in his review mirror and the future awaits him to make his impactful impact on this world. I have done all I can to teach him the ways of this world, intentions, and integrity to know the goodness in folks and not be blinded by the bullshit of folks.
It is a sensitive time as you can appreciate, as I have the energy I am replying to private DM so please be patient with me if I take a minute to reply. I feel the depth and strength and almighty power of my soul, spirit, and god self whilst also honoring the fragility of my condition, and physical body and time are of the essence in my humanness.
My life is dependent upon it.
Many of my loyal community have generously donated along the way these months to help us stay afloat whilst I don't work and treatment costs continue while life has hung in the balance.
I am asking you to donate in life and in death, to share the love that you would want to be graced upon you or a loved one in a dying state.
Love endures all that is, from my love of life to you.
Thank you for the support, encouragement, and sharing of this message to ensure I get the lungs I so desperately need.
Loving you as I love myself, tenderly and wholeheartedly.